Martin O’Neill is a witch, and other FA Cup foibles

You heard me right.  The commentators can crow all they want about what a talking-to Martin O’Neill must have given his players at half time.  Any American, especially any New Englander, knows better. It wasn’t a team talk.  It was sorcery that gave Villa their win.

Only one way to fix that. As such I’ve booked a ticket to Birmingham this evening in order to do my duty as a Christian man and chase Villa with torches and a hastily-assembled posse (who may mistake it for an anti-Catholic riot). Until then, let us recap and predict away.

Portsmouth 2-0 Birmingham City

The bubble bursts slow, how slowly. This wasn’t quite the thumping victory for Pompey that last round’s South Coast Derby was (but what could have been?); however it was a clear and convincing win over a Birmingham City team that just didn’t seem to be all there. I mean, there were eleven of them. But I’m not sure they knew why they were there. They might have switched the team bus with a lively tour group who figured it was part of their vacation packages and donned City’s colors with alacrity. By that standard they did quite well.

Frederic Piquionne (who?) put two goals away in three magic minutes to keep Pompey’s swansong alive. Martin O’Neill of Villa may have had the managerial performance of the round, but Avram Grant has had the performance of a lifetime, a lifeboat fans and players alike cling to as the club, The Guardian cheekily noted, has had more owners this season than home League wins.

Pompey got lucky that a so-so goal was heaved out by David James quickly enough to avoid it being counted (and even in the replay it wasn’t so clear); but Birmingham City were off-form and it would take a big leap to say it would’ve made a difference.

Fulham 0-0 Tottenham Hotspur

Dire. A dire, desultory match. It was endless and really poor, such that at around the 75” I wandered off in the hope that when I came back someone would have done something to justify the expenditure of time I’d already put into it. I hoped in vain.

The replay is pretty much a disaster for Fulham – of the two they were the one who ought to have played for a result. They’ll go across town next Wednesday in an attempt to salvage something of the tie, but even at home their play was the weaker as endless unsupported breaks by Zamora foundered on the Spurs defense. In the second half this gave way to long, exciting rounds of passing vaguely in the Spurs’ half. The away side were better, missing several good chances via Peter Crouch and repeatedly putting together relative coherent attacking moves, but the best you can really say of the affair is that it was boring from one end of the field to the other.

Spurs are still going to win.

Reading 2-4 Aston Villa

If you’ve been watching the FA Cup – or indeed the Premier League – you’re used to some pretty shit performances by Villa. But the first half of this match saw a descent to an entirely new level of suck. Villa played with all the coherence of a group of under-10s and none of the passion. By the half Shane Long drilled in two for Reading and it looked like Portsmouth would not be the only sweetheart to dance into a Wembley semi-final.

But during the half Villa coach Martin O’Neill offered/threatened to buy the entire team Samuel Eto’o's watches and the effect was immediate and electric. Three goals followed in ten minutes, two of them from John Carew, and Reading looked completely lost. To their credit – and Reading walk away from this with a lot of credit – they rallied and by the end of the second half had fairly well quarantined Villa in their back third of the field, but the mistakes of the first half were behind them. A silly trip in the Reading penalty area allowed Carew to complete his hat trick and make it four.

Chelsea 2-0 Stoke City

This match went pretty much how it was supposed to. Chelsea played a fine game and Stoke just didn’t have the killer instinct they needed after last week’s horror against Arsenal. Any side would be shaken by this, but it’s worst for one as physical as Stoke, and they played like a team with one hand tied behind their backs. They were not really going to be a challenge for Chelsea in such a state. This match was an assisted suicide.

For Stoke’s sake, I just thank God they’re not at risk of Premier League relegation.

The Draw

Aston Villa v Chelsea – 10 April

If Aston Villa play like they did in the 2nd half against Reading, they could go to the Final. If they play like they did in the 1st, they’re toast. You have to expect them to bring all guns blazing to this tie, and Chelsea, locked in a bitter race for 1st place in the League, may not care so much – especially not with a big clash against Manchester United the weekend before and one with Spurs the weekend after.

Chelsea are tough even at half-speed, but frankly it’d be more interesting if they were out. For that reason if nothing else I’m going to change pace and take a chance on a revitalized Villa. It won’t be my most ridiculous prediction anyway.

Tottenham Hotspur or Fulham vs Portsmouth – 11 April

Deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole for Pompey. A shock Fulham win in the replay would be a boon to Portsmouth, as they’ve beat better than Fulham. But they’ll almost certainly be playing Spurs, ensconced in a weak 4th in the League. The weekend after this match Spurs will meet Chelsea at home in what could turn out to be a preview of the Cup Final. If they beat Pompey.

I know what my prediction ought to be. But being American means believing in witches, ghosts, government conspiracies and George W. Bush. It also means – just occasionally – belief in the tremulous hand of destiny. There are tangible advantages Portsmouth have – indifference to League games, desperate need for extra money, the unshakeable loyalty of fans who expect nothing, the desire not to go quietly into the night. But more than that it’s about the spirit of the game. Despite their feckless owners and indifferent taxmen and endless successions of seedy lawyers Portsmouth and their coach play on with Light Brigade-like gallantry. Not to be too florid, you might say that what’s best about Pompey is what’s best about soccer – and England.

Guesswork is cheap anyway. My head says Spurs. But my heart says Portsmouth to the final.

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Peter Wahlberg is a contributing writer for the 90th minute. You can read more ill-founded ramblings at his personal blog here.

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